So I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about spoiling your children. I was of the opinion that if I made millions of dollars I would not just hand over cars, trips and money to my kids without reason. I would want to them to work for some of it and even more I would require them to appreciate where I got it from. Not saying that I wouldn’t sponsor them trips to
At the same time, while I walk around with these notions of ‘hard work my child’ I think when put into the situation we react differently. While I am not any millionaire and remain about $999,999.99 short of being one, my child wants for nothing as long as we can afford it. Even his father who day after day walked home from
**Before people get the wrong idea, this was a one time thing, he doesn't have double all his toys and 'No' is a familiar word around these parts. When I say he wants for nothing, I mean he will have all the diapers he needs, he will have the best car seat and the best stroller and the best of all the necessities. He's not walking around in Toddler brands unless I find something on sale somewhere but he looks nice when he's dressed up. He doesn't control the shopping or anything but he will get chocolate pudding in the grocery if he asks for it and if he is not the pudding monster about it. Right so moving on...
But then how will he learn the lessons I learnt from being broke? How will he learn that sometimes you have to suck it up and work as a cashier, a bartender or a waitress to make your own money? Working the cash register at Daddy’s store somehow won’t have the same effect will it? My nephew walks around talking about being bored constantly. He only happens to be bored when he’s not allowed to touch the TV, his Nintendo DS, his DS lite or his gameboy. He’s bored when he has to practice his piano until he gets it right. I have been threatening him lately to show him what it is to really be bored. I want to send him outside to go and pick leaves or watch the sky for two hours by himself. THAT is bored. Bored is me reading A House for Mr. Biswas when I was 10 years old. Why? Because it was there and I didn’t have anything else to do, regardless of if I understood 75% of the words.
I’m rambling now but I guess I know that at the end of the day you have to strike a balance. I can’t not spoil my child, because he’s mine and I am working this hard for myself and for him to enjoy the things I might not have been able to enjoy. But at the same time everything will be within reason. I won’t have him wanting things just because he thinks he deserves it. When he can earn it, he will deserve it. I think my friend put it best when she said ‘They can’t have everything they want but they will have when they don’t even want.’
Thoughts?
19 comments:
I definitly agree with you...I don't have kids yet but I always say I don't want them to turn out spoilt. my brother is 6 years younger than I so when I was away for college he was now in secondary school and got all the cool things from me...nad being the last got a lot more from the parents...and I think he appreciates thngs a lot less than i do and even though he is a scrunting college kid now he still assumes someonelse will fork out their hard earned money.
U sound like a true first time mommy , and so does your friend. But as an ex spoil child (if ther is eva sucha thing).I too learnt the same lessons in forieggn, and if there is anything I will pass on to my kids is the chance to not learn those lessons so late.
I totally agree with you. It IS a struggle though. I want my kids to have everything I didn't have and to want for nothing BUT if you don't create some balance they'll start to take things for granted and that's when they turn into spoilt brats. Sometimes they need to be told "no" just so they know what the word sounds like. You can't always get what you want when you want.
Every afternoon when I pick up my then 3 yr old daughter from pre-school as soon as we get to the car she asks for "a snack and a juice" which requires a stop at the closest store which is in the opposite direction from home. I usually make the detour and get her what she wants (unless I really must get home ASAP, in which case she may or may not burst into tears). One day I went into the store and came back with only one item because when I got to the cash register I realised I had zero cash (they don't take plastic) and had to use what little coins I had to pay for her snack (I couldn't afford the juice). Upon returning to the car I explained the situation to her and she so concerned about my not having any money that everyday after that for a couple weeks she ask me if I had any money before she asked for her "snack and juice." It's little things like that that teach them not to take little things for granted.
Rah you good...i wasn't going in the opposote direction for nothing!
But I used to have that problem, small man would walk into the house and request juice until I realized but wait he getting juice before I could put down my bags and take off my clothes. So he start getting No, wait. Then one day I told him we had no juice and he look at me like 'yeah right, so make some duh' and I realize buhayeaye this child have no idea what it means to have no juice in the fridge/ cupboard/house and to settle for water. So I have started telling him we have no juice sometimes just to swtich it up...lol kinda evil I know but shucks man!
Anonymous, next time post as yourself thankyouverymuch Mister. And as we were discussing, I will hear bout you when you have your own.
And my friend is not a first time Mummy or a mummy at all...she is just a regular ole spoil chile lol
Spoil children? What dat mean?
But on a serious note though, my boys know who to be "spoilt" with.
Example: In the grocery with me and their daddy they ask before they pick up anything or I will tell them in advance they can pick up two things.
When they go shopping with their granny, they carry a list.
And I think they understand the concept of saving to get what you want cause they do it with their allowance.
Another thing that I do with them, and I started this in 1st year, is when they lose something (pencil, sharpener, eraser etc) I make them pay me back for it. Meaning they would not get any allowance until I get back half the cost of the item.
So now they know that once Mr. Coloured Pencil decide to go home with *insert random friend name here* they know is just to tell me and they not going to get any money for such and such period.
I don't have children myself, and while I'm sure most parents have the best intentions when dealing with such situations, I think it's very important to remember this:
A child who is never disappointed will grow up to be an adult who is never satisfied.
As someone who has to work daily with 30 year-olds who throw temper tantrums on a regular basis (I'm not exaggerating here), I wish parents would consider how their actions today impact upon the people their children live and work with in the future.
I'm not advocating any 'wicked witch' tactics or anything like that, but sometimes a day without corn-curls can be a good thing!
It's great to be able to give your kids things you may not have had growing up. My mom raised me solo and I know what it's like to live lean. I was always full but never had name brands or even expected it. My sister is 14 years my junior (mom had he at 42) and she expects the world. Sometimes I wonder if we were raised by the same woman.
My husband and I are quite comfortable, and I'm fortunate enough to be home raising my 2 sons (3 & 4), but I don't think I spoil them. They are well travelled, and take a multitude of classes including gymnastics, swimming, soccer, basketball, piano, to name a few. We go to the theatre and often treat them to meals in trendy places. And I plan on sending them to private school and I'm already saving for their college.
But they wear their clothes until they outgrow them. My older son gets upset if I threaten not to sew a hole in a garment. And I don't buy them all the new toys and gadgets. No (w/ an explanation, or just a "b/c I said so") is a common thing in my household.
I think they appreciate what they have and don't take things for granted. I think you can spoil them w/ the right things.
Squeezle good point, I've met many sad people in my day who were just unsatisified with themselves and I was left to wonder how come? Because they came from seemingly normal lifestyles and it is just as you say...they were never disappointed as kids and learnt to expect certain things from the world at large. And this is a mean world to put it nicely.
I think we all agree that 'No' is not a bad word and should be used frequently enough to teach lessons but what I want to know is where and when do we stop? Or is it that these little lessons will teach our teenagers and y6oung adults to ask and appreciate and so even if we can afford extravagance for them they don't expect it or feel a sense of entitlement?
And what do you have to say about the people who DO feel entitled? Or the parents who do buy Jr a brand new car on his 16th birthday because they can? Who's to say that child is not appreciative? Should the parents not do it?
To Afro Chic and Natasha C (and myself) one or two snacks in the grocery, extracurricular activies and trendy meals is alot more than some kids get and supposed for Mr. Money bucks a new car is equivalent to these things for his son/daughter?
Let meh hear allyuh...
Well I have a flip side to this; what about the kids who do hear "no" too often (in their estimation) and feel deprived, especially when their friends have. What if that child then thinks it is okay to do what he needs to do to get stuff; like steal your childs pencil or toy... and when he/she gets older start accepting gifts from men in exhcange for sex(if it's a she) or sells drugs to get what he/she wants?
As a "spoiled" child who does not fit the stereotype of a self entitled adult let me say this. My mom was a single parent (my dad was around but not involved) and she was not rich but I had everything I needed, got what I wanted as a reward (for good grades etc.) and never made demands as I basically felt as a child that I was not deprived.
My mom would take me out to restaurants, buy me new clothes, toys, books, take me on trips, let me play mas every year all because she wanted to give me the things she never had growing up. And I never felt that I HAD to get these things, I just grew accustom to it as the way life was for me as a child.
I knew the times when we had to struggle and I think I appreciated my mom alot becuase as I grew older I recognised the sacrifices she made for me.
Now, my father has the means to spoil me rotten a thousand times over and his philosophy is you need to "work hard" like he did to get anything in life. And I think that it is such a load of bull really; who do you work hard for if not to provide your kids with the tools to have them enjoy life without having to suffer? Ok, maybe that sounded like a spoil child talking but do you really want your child to suffer yout hardships to teach them the value of a dollar?
I am not saying give your children everything they ask for, but if they go away to college what is wrong with giving them a credit card (joint of course) to use if they need stuff? Or what is wrong with buying them a new car.. just because (ok this one applies to me so I am biased), why must they drive an old car just to teach them a lesson?
Listen, I have friends of all ethnicites and races and I am going to make a statement that might cause some ire; it's only the "black" children who have parents with the money who get told that "spoilt" is a bad word.
Example, when I went to N.Y. for "summer" vacation as a teenager, sponsored by my father, he would give me a blank cheque to buy my airline ticket. BUT when I got to N.Y. I had to work at my Uncle's store to get spending money!! My mother would give me a couple hundred U.S. and he would not give me a black cent. And what lesson did that teach me? None, except that when I did work for the whole summer I spent all my money, every year, on stuff for me and my mom.. much to my father's chagrin... but I was quite pissed at him for not giving me any money so he got nothing in return. If I had to spend my summer in N.Y. working well I would spend that money how I please right? His attempt at teaching me anything was lost because I knew he had the means to give, if it were my mom I would not have felt that resentment really.
My friends who are of other races have parents who sent them to University and paid for their fancy apartments and gave them a new car to drive AND they did not turn our bad seeds! They were actually quite comfortable at school and could focus on their studies rather than where to find a laptop or pc to do their assingments. And there are the ones who left school without a clue of what to do with their lives and what ever they were interested in their parents set them up in a business.... business which today are succesful!
So there will be ungrateful childen both rich and poor as much as their will be ones who are appreciative. And yeah you can say I am spoiled ( I have yet to do laundry in my life) but I see nothing wrong if I have the money to give my child a good life to do so.
But hey, what do I know, I am not a parent, just a spoilt child :D
Point taken, Saucy. People are different. Some kids are more mature than others. Some kids are more appreciative than others. Some are great sharers (my older daughter) and others will swing at you if you come anywhere NEAR their snack (my younger). Is it based on how you raise them or is it based on personality? Nature or nurture? That blasted debate again.
Sauce, I beg your pardon but I find your dad fulla shit. I could never understand parents like that. Because I suffer to get where I am you must suffer too? Nah! That is the wrong attitude and ent winnin' nobody 'Parent of the Year' no time soon.
Is BECAUSE I suffer to get where I am that I makin' sure I pave the way so that my chirren DON'T have to suffer!
Suffering does build character though...and this is where disappointment (which is a lesser form of suffering) comes in.
I was a poor, suffering, college student in New York. 99 cent meals were my staple (Bless you, Wendy's!) And that was when I had money. I don't want my kids to go through what I did (who wants the stress of worrying if you're gonna get deregistered because you can't pay your tuition by the deadline?) but maybe, now that I think about it, even though I might be able to send them money every week, buy them a car and rent them a stoosh apartment off-campus, I won't. They'll work part-time (it teaches time management), take public transport (Good Morning, Neighbour!) and live in no-frills campus housing with no visitors after 11pm (Focus!). Once de grades good yuh could get all the Spring Break trips yuh want!
Interesting and insightful dialog going on here.
I'm in the camp that says you don't have to deprive your child to teach them lessons. Certainly, there are ways to teach a child about poverty and working for what you need without necessarily depriving them on purpose. We are planning to take our 4 year old to the soup kitchen each Lent and for Thanksgiving and will have them volunteer regularly. They will travel to my poor home country of Sierra Leone and hopefully from such experiences will be able to appreciate how fortunate they are.
However, I can certainly see how giving a child anything without inserting life's lessons SOMEWHERE in the mix can yield an unappreciative child with poor work ethic.
Case in point, my 28 year old younger sister and I were raised under more humble surroundings than my 22 year old brother and 18 year old sister. My youngest two siblings can be considered "spoiled" and I'm not sure how they will make out as adults because of this. (My dad only recently became prosperous in real estate and has been "spoiling" my younger siblings, showering them with cars, cell phones etc) I guess we're like Natasha C, people often wonder and ask me how and if I was raised by the same parents as my hood rat siblings.
However, in hindsight, I think the reason for the difference is partly b/c my parents had more energy to discipline us and were more strict with the older ones, and b/c they chose to have kids over the span of 15 years, they plainly ran out of gas to properly raise the latter.
But I do think the fact that we were poorer may have something to do with why my sister and I are considered more successful and focused. We saw our parents struggle and I watched my dad put himself through college and grad school while balancing several jobs, a wife and kids. And even though I was born in one of the poorest countries in the world and grew up in a lower middle class home, I wouldn't have known I was deprived because they gave me what I needed and sometimes what I wanted. I was a happy kid and didn't know otherwise. I grew up having to work for what I have as my parents didn't have much.
I must admit that my sister and I do resent our younger siblings to a certain extent. Like saucy and others, we went to school among children, mainly those from non-black families, who were given all the tools they needed to thrive and succeed (including a comfortable ride, credit cards and rent. It is true that many of my friends from that lifestyle are not really messed up b/c their parents set them up.
But deep down, I think my kids are already going down a path of being privileged, not necessarily spoiled. They are already starting out with many more tools and access than I had. Like NatashaC's kids, they travel worldly (the baby's passport is already 1/3 full of stamps), take various classes and eat out.
I suppose it's my job to make sure they understand that with this privilege comes responsibility to others less fortunate. And we can maybe give them a car and have them work the summers to save up to contribute to the insurance. I wouldn't want to force them to work during the school year to teach them a lesson and then have them sacrifice their grades. It's a delicate balance, but one I think can be met once we are conscious of the type of children the kids are growing to become...we'd know when they were getting out of hand and when we'd need to take proactive steps to yank them back to reality.
I think early intervention is key.
JJ I like what you said! You hit the nail on the head with the word "privileged"; that is what I was looking for!!
I Love all that you all are saying...Sauce when we were talking I remember you were saying that I sound like your Dad...but ahmmm...i tink he take it a little too far. I won't make my child work for their spending money during summer if I am sponsering a fun trip. I see nothing wrong with giving my child a credit card if they go away to College or buying them a car. I guess my problem is with excess, my child shouldn't be spending thousands of dollars on tht Credit Card 'just because' and if i DO buy them a new car it'll be something sensible and I would want them to help pay for the insurance or upkeep or something. Not saying that if the insurance is not paid because they are slacking off I will not pay it. I just need them to know that everything is not going to be just handed to them and that they will have to earn some things.
I guess what we are learning here is the difference between being spoilt and being priveleged and depriving your kids and teaching them necessary lessons.
I think its interesting to note that many of our younger siblings (lb, JJ, natasha C and myself) seem to have things way easier than we did even though the same parents raised us. Like JJ said, i guess we run out of steam at some point and are unable to put as much energy into parenting.
mummylicious, I worked EVERY vacation with my dad from form 2 :S
...."I think its interesting to note that many of our younger siblings (lb, JJ, natasha C and myself) seem to have things way easier than we did even though the same parents raised us. Like JJ said, i guess we run out of steam at some point and are unable to put as much energy into parenting...."
So let that be a lesson to us all, don't be making any pickney in yuh 40s (like my mom did). LOL
Although I have to admit, my sis was great company for my mom when I was out of the house at 20.
I was there when that train was bought and remember clearly when it mashed up and was subsequently bought AGAIN!funny stuff..Mind you the train which was the lesser in value than his other birthday gift was more appreciated eh. I agree with you though don't spoil the child..which doesn't mean let him play with an ole buss up shoe while other kids have toys but you know what I mean. Everything in moderation and he will learn the value of money as well as appreciate how hard you work to make sure he is cared for and looked after.
webcrawler? lol
Yes well if you don't think we all crazy by now then nobody should yes. You were there for the grocery indicent too when i came home all sweaty. And remember the morning he wouldn't let me touch him?
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